Silence
by Zaise
Summary: More angst. (Yay! Heh...) Duo goes through... you guessed it... self-doubt and general unhappiness. Whoosh. Sense a pattern in my fic-writing?


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SILENCE  
by Laisia [animestarre@aol.com]  
lyrics by Sarah McLachlan  
Disclaimer: GW isn't mine. Nor is the song.  
Warning: MAJOR angst. Minor yaoi.  
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*****  
Give me release  
Witness me  
I am outside  
Give me peace  
*****  
  
Empty.  
  
So empty.  
  
Won't someone help me?  
  
Am I dead?  
  
All I can see is nothing. Not black. Not white. No color. No objects. Just nothing. Empty. I feel blood on my hands. My arms. My face. But I can't see it. No red. No color. Nothing. Empty.  
  
How can there be nothing?  
  
Help, someone, help...  
  
Isn't "nothing" an exaggeration? I always thought that there had to be something. Anything. But there's just nothing. That's impossible, though...  
  
Maybe I can make it go away. If I made a sound, maybe the nothingness would go away, leave me alone, leave me in peace.  
  
"Help..."  
  
Instant color. Instant world. Instant life.  
  
Instant Heero.  
  
"Help you with what?"  
  
"Oh, nothing, Hee-chan! Just thinking out loud!"  
  
Real intelligent, Duo. Just lie and tell him you're thinking out loud. I still said "help" out loud, no matter what my excuse was. He probably thinks I'm a kook now.  
  
But I do need help. I need release from my soltitude. But who could I trust with my true self? Only someone who can handle it, who *wants* to handle it.  
  
I will not have anyone emotionally bogged down or emotionally hurt on my account. I'm just not worth it.  
  
All I ask for is peace. Rest. Sleep of worry and fear.  
  
*****  
Heaven holds a sense of wonder  
And I wanted to believe that I'd get caught up  
When the rage in me subsides  
*****  
  
Maybe death would just be easier. Life sucks sometimes. Actually, life sucks most of the time. If I died, I'd probably go to hell. But hell might be better than this non-existence that I'm trapped in. I'm just not myself. I'm some big, bright, cheerful, optimistic guy. That's not me.  
  
I hate living as someone else.  
  
But I don't want anyone to know the real me.  
  
Me.  
  
I wonder what heaven is like. It sounds wonderful to me. Eternal rest and eternal peace. My soul just wants a healing ground, and heaven sounds like it.  
  
Not that I couldn't have a little fun in heaven, too.  
  
But I need healing. I need rest.  
  
Help.  
  
I won't be going to heaven.  
  
I am Shinigami. Hell is my destiny.  
  
Maybe if I calmed my soul, along with the rage that resides there... then, just maybe, I might be worthy of heaven.  
  
After all, Shinigami was created within me by my own rage.  
  
Aren't I at least allowed to believe?  
  
Believe in refuge?  
  
Believe in refuse?  
  
Believe in heaven?  
  
*****  
Passion chokes the flower  
Until he cries no more  
Possessing all the beauty  
Hungry still for more  
*****  
  
I want to love. And I want to love Heero.  
  
But if I did, he would be laid under my curse.  
  
Anyone who gets close to me dies.  
  
For I am Shinigami.  
  
I would hold him in my web of love until he withered away, crying and trying to hang onto life. And I would just have to sit there and watch him die.  
  
And know it was my fault.  
  
Help.  
  
Then he would have given himself to me before he died, because of our love, so I would carry his beauty with me until the end of time.  
  
And the dark parts of me would want more beauty still.  
  
And I would cry.  
  
I'm damned.  
  
*****  
In this white wave  
I am sinking  
In this silence  
In this white wave...   
In this silence...   
I believe  
*****  
  
They say that silence is white. Isn't white a pure color?  
  
Don't pure people go to heaven?  
  
So if I stopped struggling and let the soltitude come, I might become pure. Just maybe. I'm not sure.  
  
Soltitude is silence.  
  
Giving up and letting go sounds so easy, so nice...  
  
So I will.  
  
Into the whiteness of my mind I plunge. So nice. So calm. So pure. So free.  
  
I believe in this silence.  
  
Maybe now I can be pure.  
  
I will sink and let myself be engulfed. Down, down, into the peacefully moving silence. Away. Free. Pure.  
  
What else can I do?  
  
*****  
I can't help this longing  
Comfort me  
I can't hold it all in  
If you won't let me  
*****  
  
Even as I am sinking, thoughts run through my brain.  
  
Heero.  
  
I still long for his love, though love for me would be the end of him. Is it selfish of me to wish that he could love me?  
  
I want to wake up in his arms. I want him to kiss me gently and tell me that this is all a bad dream. I want him to comfort me and tell me he loves me... and I want him to mean it.  
  
I want, I want, I want. Maybe I am selfish. But one person just isn't capable of holding in all the rage and pain that I hold in on a daily basis.  
  
Yet I have no choice but to hold it all in. If Heero loved me, he would be one with me. And he would be subjected to my pain.  
  
He's so determined not to let me hold it all in. He's always trying to get me to talk to him about it.  
  
Damn it, I'm trying to protect him! I can't protect him from my pain if he won't let me protect him.  
  
I protect him because I love him.  
  
And that's why I suffer.  
  
And that's why I'm in this void of silence.  
  
For him.  
  
*****  
I have seen you... in this white wave  
You are silent  
You are breathing... in this white wave  
I am free  
*****  
  
This void is also filled with nothing. But not a creepy nothing, like before. This is a soothing nothing, like being in a mother's womb.  
  
How would I know what that's like? Nobody can remember that.  
  
I must be going crazy.  
  
Who is that...?  
  
I'm not alone.  
  
NO!  
  
I want to be alone! That's why I'm in this void of silence. I came here to be pure. I came here to be ALONE!  
  
WHO IS THAT...?!  
  
How did they get here? All I wanted was to be pure so that I could rest in heaven. But now this. I'm no longer alone.  
  
No! Go away... please go away...  
  
DAMN, WHO IS THAT!  
  
No...  
  
Who...  
  
Go away...  
  
HEERO?!  
  
What the hell is he doing here?  
  
Did he come to save me? Heero...  
  
The one I love... Heero...  
  
To leave him behind?  
  
NO!  
  
I don't want to die!  
  
I want to live, and I want to be with Heero! Is it too late? I don't think I can go back. I'm still sinking... help...  
  
He sees me. A hand. Heero's hand. Outstretched.  
  
I lift a trembling hand and place it in his.  
  
Can I be free?  
  
So warm.  
  
So peaceful.  
  
He pulls gently. The white goes away.  
  
How did I get back in our room?  
  
Heero's... crying? He's crying and grasping my shirt, bent over in silent sobs. Why is he crying?  
  
"Don't EVER scare me like that again, Duo..."  
  
Concern?  
  
"I scared you?"  
  
"Hell, yes! Duo, I love you! And you went and did something like that..."  
  
Love...  
  
He loves me.  
  
But he's still okay...  
  
He kisses me softly.  
  
There is a God after all, ne?  
  
I am free.  



End file.
